Cliff Yablonksi tells it like

Cliff Yablonksi tells it like it is:

1. Schools are too fucking nice as is, so none of the money should go into buying more shit for schools like computers or teachers or whatever. When I went to grade school for three years, all we had was a piece of plywood to sit on and our teacher was a fucking elm tree. Kids need to be treated like criminals until they get out of school at the age of 28, so I want to move all the kids to the prisons so they can share cells with the same gutterslugs that they’ll ultimately end up being like anyway.

2. I don’t know how much cash goes into giving flu shots for kids, but it needs to be stopped right now. How the fuck are kids going to build up a tolerance for the flu if they keep getting pumped full of Advil or whatever the hell they put in those needles? Let those little shitheads learn to deal with the pain like I did when I was a kid and I fell down the hill into the abandoned meat packing factory and landed on a giant meathook which went through my skull and heart. I walked that one off and later that day I was feeling fine enough to score three touchdowns in the 12th inning against the South Appleton Spinsters.

3. All school computer machines will be ripped out and replaced with cinder blocks that explode and shoot shrapnel everywhere whenever some kid starts mouthing off. All computer machines do is play games and show the porn, so there’s no reason kids should be jacking off and playing Mario Man when they should be learning about verbs or prime numbers or whatever.

4. The school year should be lengthened to 11 months long and should start at 7:00 AM and end at 8:00 PM, at which point the kids will be launched home in escape pods that crash through their house’s ceiling and don’t give them any chance to escape to go to the mall or eat chili or anything else that kids do which annoys me so goddamn much.

5. All schoolboard money will go directly to me and I will be in charge of distributing it as I see fit, such as purchasing whiskey dispensing machines for my house and paying speeding tickets.

‘t Is geen nieuwe Cliff Yablonski Hates You, maar toch een welkome blik in het hart van een warme oude man met een innemende persoonijkheid.

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