Groucho Marx.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

My mother loved children — she would have given anything if I had been one.

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.