Brrrr…

There are MONSTER CRABS ON THE WAY!

Not just monster crabs, but STALINIST MONSTER CRABS!

It is, to put it bluntly, THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT.

And furthermore, and most importantly, THIS ISN’T FROM THE WEEKLY WORLD NEWS! Which means it’s TRUE!

PANIC! HEAD FOR THE HILLS! DESPAIR!

“A SNAP OF ITS CLAW IS ENOUGH TO REMOVE A MAN’S FINGER!”

But, luckily, at present, the only people who have to worry about this are Norwegians, so that’s all right. (Unless you’re Norwegian, of course.)

But they are SPREADING! MOVING SOUTH! Possibly even going to GIBRALTAR FOR SOME UNGODLY CRABBISH REASON!

It’s all in this Daily Telegraph article. If I ran a newspaper it would be on the front pages, not tucked away discreetly inside. I’ve read my Guy N. Smith novels, dammit. IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT! WHAT CAN STOP THEIR RELENTLESS MARCH SOUTH?

There. I have warned you. My task here is done.

 

[Neil Gaiman]