So I was craving chocolate the other day, well ok I am always craving chocolate, but I finally decided to do something about it yesterday. I am a sucker for brownies and cookies so I figured why not put them together? And how about I throw in some dark chocolate chunks for good measure. They turned out delicious, slightly flaky on the outside, gooey and fudgy on the inside. AKA: The perfect chocolate fix.

Everybody here is so into their personal drama. It’s pretty weird, I guess. There’s no room for a fat guy in all that stuff, though. Oh no, the fat guy can’t be involved in any romantic love triangles; he’d just drag everything down, right? It’d be like, an isosceles love triangle if you put fatty on one end.

Son of a bitch! Of course! It’s the parents! That is exactly the kind of bullshit parents would do, isn’t it? I mean, it’s not like he’s saying he rode one, or hell, that he’s even seen one, because Mattel can’t release them. Nobody gets hoverboards! Fucking parents!

This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!).

The child, 4-year-old Angelo Mendoza Jr., later told police, "My daddy ate my eyes."