- Narrator: Meanwhile, in a darker corner of Wikipedia…
[“Satire!” is briefly displayed on screen. Cut into a small, shady meeting room. Imperial March plays briefly in the background. Foldable chairs lean tensely against a rickety wall, and several chairs have been unfolded and occupied by people, mostly men. Soda cans and wrappers litter the floor. Even as they walk across the floor in the enclosed room, their actions seem clandestine and shifty; the camera never shows all of them at once, and we can’t tell how many there are. The figures were trench coats, and wear fedoras pulled down over their faces. The visible parts of their faces have been pixelated. Suddenly a voice speaks. It speaks with with authority; its every word is a weighty ideological brick in some intangible and grotesque fortress.]
- 1: This meeting of the Deletionist Cabal will now commence. First, the recitation of the club’s dogma.
- All: Roses are red, violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Wikipedia delete you!
- 1: Thank you, Cabal. [name bleeped], would you read us the minutes of the previous meeting?
- 2: Minutes deleted.
- 1: Thank you.
- 2: Let’s begin.
- 3: So, has anyone furthered the causes of the Deletionist Cabal recently?
- 1: Well, I found an innocent kitten yesterday. It was wet from the unmerciful rain, and wanted love and hope.
- 4: So what did you do?
- 1: I stabbed it.
- 2: Good work! As for me, I deleted much unsourced content, although sourcing it would have been useful to the article.
- 5: I experimented on an article, not the sandbox. On another, I also wrote “[name bleeped] rules!”
- 4: Well, the Association of Deletionist Wikipedians does encourage its members to {{sofixit}} instead of just deleting, as well as to trash articles on Wikipedia, preoccupying the editors, while giving us a chance to wreak even more havoc!
- 6: So if you see unsourced content, just delete it.
- 3: [Sigh] This is not the ADW, this is the Cabal. We intend on deleting, not fixing, and also biting new users.
- 1: And stabbing kittens. The world is better broken!
- 4: True.
- 3: You know, I like vandalizing Wikipedia by playing with those little symbols on the bottom of the edit page.
- 2: Yeah, that’s fun.
- 5: “[named bleeped] That’s one more way to make vandalism fun!
- 6. Here’s a topic for discussion: what do you think of Wikipedia putting advertisements on its pages for revenue?
- All: No!
- 2: Next.
[Pause]
- 4: What do you think?
- 3: About what?
- 4: About Wikipedia.
- 5: I think that deleting pages is good.
- 1. Well, duh. What are you, stupid?
- 4: [evenly] Well, [name bleeped], why do you think that it’s good?
- 5: Because… Wikipedia shouldn’t exist.
- 3: If it doesn’t exist, do you think that we’d exist? My psychologist recommends that I stick with ruining Wikipedia, rather than [eyes gleam behind mask] taking over the world!!!
- 5: O-kaaay.
[A kitten moans banefully in the background; it fears being huffed.]
- 4: Currently, a bot that I wrote is working on changing Wikipedia policy and guidelines incrementally, so that eventually all policy will be deletionist! Bwa ha ha ha!
- 5: Good work, [name bleeped]. [pause] I have a question about the Cabal: How do we recruit new members?
- 2: How did we recruit you?
- 5: Good point.
- 6: It’s not a rhetorical question.
- 5: Well, I just knew in my heart where this room would be, because I really want to delete everything that I can.
- 2: Who recruited you?
- 5: I just felt it in my heart! I’m telling you! [pause] Hah! I was trying to get information from you Deletionist Cabal losers! And I have a recorder! [Starts to runs out of the room.]
- 1: Well, why don’t you feel this in your heart?
[Number 1 pulls out a gun and shoots. Number 5 stumbles, then falls lifelessly to the ground on his right side. He turns onto his back, and is still. Pause, focusing on the sprawled body. Give the viewer time to reflect on how, when a person is deleted, the body is no longer an animated being, capable of great love and hatred, tremendous love and hate, a galaxy of sublime thoughts and deeds, but is merely rendered a piece of meat. A leaking piece of meat. Number 1 rises, walks to the tape recorder, precisely extracts the tape, throws it onto the floor, and crushes it into cold, useless pieces with the heel of his foot.]
- 1: Let this be an example to those who would otherwise betray the Cabal.
- 3: So who wants to do it this time?
- 4. I will. [Retrieves cabal handbook from pocket] Ahem. “Death to the infidels, and those that would betray Wikipedia Deletionism. Long live the great delete button, and the mouse which facilitates its use. As well as the backspace button, although it is less efficient. Do not betray the Cabal, or else you will be shot with a gun. We also have cow horns, knives, and candlesticks, although we have no idea how to use the candlestick to kill someone. Do not betray the cabal for deletion.”
- 7: Wait: this is the cabal for the deletion of content on Wikipedia?
- 2. Yes, of course it is.
- 7: I apologize; I thought that this was the Neo-Nazi Cabal.
- 4: That’s next door.
- 7: Thank you. [leaves]
- 2: All right. That’s about it for our meeting.
- 1: Does everyone still have the Dogma CDs?
- 6: What are those?
- 1: I forgot that you were new here. Basically, on the Dogma CDs, there is a one hour pause, and then important messages from the cabal, such as the latest CSDs. When you go to sleep, listen to the CDs with headphones, so that when asleep, you can hear all of those important messages. If you hear someone talking while you’re awake, go back to the beginning of the Dogma CD. It’s important that you… trust us to give you these messages.
- 6: Anything to further the glorious Cabal.
- 2: We must also remember not to do groupthink in our hallowed meeting room. Do not underestimate those who actually love Wikipedia. So go out into the world, and delete!
- 4: Down with Wikipedia!”
- All: AYE!
[The Deletionists lean back in their chairs casually, and the inevitable happens: 2 starts to laugh sinisterly. All join in gradually, and the camera pulls away from the recumbent, ominous, and depraved cacophony of evil. Then there is some kitten huffage and stabbage to celebrate the end of yet another fun-filled meeting.]
